


remove it all. everything.

by iloveyoungho2090234



Category: NCT
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad Ending, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:08:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27172222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iloveyoungho2090234/pseuds/iloveyoungho2090234
Summary: jaehyun let taeyong break his heart for who knows how long and pain is ugly.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Jung Jaehyun
Comments: 5
Kudos: 10





	remove it all. everything.

**Author's Note:**

> big tw//
> 
> suicide, eating disorders, vomit, sad stuff.
> 
> idk why i wrote this, i'm just gonna post bc im sad and bored. gosh this sounds like a tumbler fake deep story or something i hate it but also , its mentoal iwlness, innit? im so sorry bruh

the heartbreak starts off slowly. 

it starts with taeyong's last minute calls saying he can't make it to tuesday night's dinner at the fancy italian restaurant they always go to.

it continues when taeyong stops answering his texts and his phone calls, when taeyong puts his phone on airplane mode so no one can reach him.

it crumbles jaehyun up like a sheet of paper when taeyong says he needs time to think — space, an indefinite break. 

jaehyun continues to live his life though, he can't let this vulnerability be shown. he can't let the world know that lee taeyong broke his heart into pieces for the millionth time. 

then he's reminded by friends that this isn't the first or the last time it will happen. 

he knows it too well, the path taeyong takes everytime he breaks his heart, everytime jaehyun lets him ruin his life. 

the first time it happened was on jaehyun's birthday, the first one they were officially together. taeyong hadn't even bothered to say he was "stuck in traffic". (jaehyun would prefer being lied to by him than taeyong saying he was buried in someone else.) 

the second time it happened, jaehyun let it slide, he told himself he wasn't acting right lately, that he was the one who did the wrong. he set his own heart on fire by reminding himself he would never be good enough.

the third time, jaehyun realized what pain truly was. it was ugly. it was not eating for days. it was not being thirsty for anything else than alcohol and taeyong. it was jaehyun losing all his friends. it was snot all over johnny, his brother's shirt when he sobbed. it was pain that could be felt physically, so much so that it would make him vomit at least once a day. 

it happened when taeyong simply left, saying he would never come back. 

the cycle was re initiated when taeyong showed up at 3 am at the door, his face swollen and bloody. he had simply said "i'm not here to talk. i just need you tonight." and jaehyun forgave taeyong once he was deep inside the now-skinnier-than-before taeyong. 

after that, jaehyun asked why he had lost so much weight and taeyong shrugged. "i just don't eat a lot." and by that, he meant he didn't eat ever. jaehyun knew that as soon as taeyong uttered his shitty explanation. 

in a twisted and sick way, it gave him hope taeyong was as miserable as him when they weren't together, that he too, wasn't moving on.

"but why?" he asked, risking taeyong ever speaking to him again.  
"i don't ever feel good about myself, jae." he whispered and broke down, sobbing. taeyong didn't eat because he doesn't love himself. jaehyun was similar in a way that he couldn't bring himself to change his train of thoughts when taeyong was in it.

the hurt never felt good and it destroyed him to a point where he sacrificed everything he had worked for. he was no longer good at his job, no longer able to speak to anyone, no longer able to breathe without taeyong near him.

whenever he thought it was over, that he could go back to himself, taeyong showed up. sometimes with gifts for all around the world but sometimes with his slurred words and his rants about how he wasn't feeling right. 

jaehyun let taeyong break his heart for who knows how long. he let this sad and lonely person twist his mind into nothing but a gasp for air, one last drink, one last night. 

it was over when taeyong passed in the hospital. doctors said it was due to malnutrition, jaehyun thought it was because life could never have treated someone as grand as taeyong the right way. it was never going to be fair for anyone and it certainly wasn't going to bring closure to anyone. 

jaehyun thought life was about being drowned in your own thoughts until you died and the cause of death was just some randomly selected thing. somewhat like going to a casino, not knowing if the night was about to be good or bad. 

on good nights, he'd think to himself that he could've been the one to save taeyong. on okay night, he would speak drunkenly about how even if he could save taeyong, he wasn't able to. on every other night, he convinced himself no one could save his lover. 

the only thing he could successfully convince himself of was that he tuly loved taeyong. he still loved him to this day and thought he could never not love the other. 

taeyong was a part of him just like his own organs were, he tought, and so he had to remove it all. everything.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if u read this haha im a mess


End file.
